A Dialogue of the Past

Perhaps I can take something from the wreckage that was yesterday: a vital necessity to confront the past, so I can live a healthy, fulfilling life now.

Today I will attempt to conquer my sexual history. And it's quite extensive. And by sexual history I don't mean the partners I've had once I had come of age. I mean the developments that have lead me to become the sexual fuck up deviant shit that I am. Might take me a while. I'm getting uncomfortable already just thinking about it.

I have a memory of being around 3 years old, playing with my friend Lonnie, and he having me kiss his tiny little penis. I don't know why, I don't know much of anything. I just remember being eye to eye with it. I can still see it, the shape and size, literally like a Vienna Sausage. And I remember his orders for me to kiss it. So, I did.

At 5 years old I was playing with two brothers and a sister, and we all stripped down. The boys were having us touch their penises, and showing us how they have little "buttons" on them to make them pee. I told my dad later that night about our little game, and I remember anger. Maybe a spanking. I don't know that I played with those kids again. It was around this time that I began masturbating (which is a topic all in itself).

Cut to about 7 or 8 years old, in Oklahoma, and again, my best friend is a boy. He dry humps me constantly. One day, when I'm playing with my little Baptist girl friend, Misty, Josh and Justin come over and ask us if we want to have sex with them in the treehouse. I did not know what this was, but Misty was appalled. I followed suit, but asked her to clarify when they were gone. She told me that sex was when boys and girls kissed and touched each others privates. We decided to play "sex" later.

She and I wrote out all the different things we would do. I would play the man. We tried out some kissing and touching. We were naked. Or she was. I don't remember if I was. My sister later found the piece of paper that we wrote everything out on, and she told on me. I don't remember if I got in trouble, but I think I did. I swore though at least to my sister that Misty and I didn't do anything, but we were just writing things out.

At 9 years old I spent the night at a friend's house, and she had an older sister or cousin or some well-developed female living in the house with her. Rachelle or Raquel or whatever my friend's name was convinced her sister or cousin or other to show us her breasts and let us touch them. I couldn't get enough. We both were like fiends wanting more and more, but she wouldn't after a while.

Around the same time I spent the night at another friend's house, and she and I discussed masturbation techniques. She chose to hump a pillow; I preferred my blanket, in my hands, clutched between my legs for my pleasure. They both worked, and so we did so together.

From 11-12, I had adventures with discovering softcore porn, with two of my female friends. One of which taught me the use of "Fuck" as a verb. What those people on the TV are doing is Fucking. She sat on me, fully clothed, and practiced doing the same. I became addicted to watching fucking, and did so late at night on the cable channels. Around this time I discovered that my masturbation would eventually lead to a release, and it gave it even more direction and meaning.

From 13 on, it was mostly just me and my solo sexual adventures. Discovered that the shower head massager in my bathroom was a fantastic vibrator, and would read erotic fiction while taking very long baths. The internet became a very lovely outlet for looking at naked bodies, and I did so mostly with women. The male form still made me feel uncomfortable. Discovered that my dad liked to look at the same sort of things as I found a disc full of pictures of women. I would "borrow" it now and again. Apparently it was around this time that my dad may have done things to me as well.

Had my first kiss at 17. Already "The Other Woman" in that scenario. Also saw my first adult penis that same night. Then some kisses here and there until I turned 20, and was living in Florida. That's when I "lost" my virginity. I was date raped.

I told him No, but his body told me yes. Absolutely yes. In his bed, with his roommates sleeping in their own beds, he forced himself upon me. The only words from my lips were "Please at least wear a condom," and "No no no no no." He wore a condom. I bled for days later. The jury is still out if he permanently damaged my goods. We'll see if any babies are in my future.

Abused one more time on my turf in Vacaville. Not safe anywhere, I guess. I went to a co-workers party, and thought it would be kicks and giggles to drink 15 shots of Jack Daniels in 15 minutes. Whatever. I did so, and blacked out. Woke up naked on the bathroom floor, John over me, naked, putting his penis in my face. Trying to make me kiss it. I remember saying, "Get that thing out of my face." He did not relent. Luckily, big Mike was my saviour, barged in the bathroom and ripped him off of me. The fucking leech. Mike tossed me my clothes and I passed out on his couch.

Later John came by the Finish Line where I worked, and I hid in the back. I was terrified. I wanted to murder him.

I think that's all. The rest have just been reactions. A guy I was making out with once pushed my head down as though he wanted me to give him a blowjob. I almost killed him. Doing things with guys that I probably never would have, but dunno...just did. Wanted them to want me. If they ever became attached, like Sebastian the beautiful Peruvian, or Mike, the talented baseball player, I would push them away. Hide from them. Not wanting any more.

I guess I can analyze this later. Maybe talk about other ways I "abuse" myself.